My first wake-up call was while running a 10K a few months ago.  It was the longest distance I’d ever run but I found myself doing it. Once I got going, I just kept going.  I had trained. I was ready and my body did the rest….that and inertia.  It became abundantly clear when at about mile 5, I slowed up for water.  The volunteers handing out the water didn’t quite have a rhythm down and I had to stop to get a cup.  I walked and drank and then, feeling pretty good, started to run…or not. I was moving and clearly thinking, “Ok…time to run that last mile,” but my legs didn’t do it. I had stopped the motion and my body decided it didn’t need to stay in motion at the speed I was willing it to go.  It took several tries. Seriously, I looked like some washed up telekinetic freak scrunching up my face, walking along and thinking “move legs, run.”  Until, slowly, very slowly they began responding and I dragged them along until I was at a jog again.  That last mile, though, was not like the first 5.  It felt terrible.  I pushed through and made it happen, but the laws of physics stood true. I should have never stopped.

You might have noticed that I haven’t posted in awhile. Same theory.  Life got crazy. I have been moving along at a clip. Doing everything that needs to be done. I swear…the last month of school for the kids is busier than even the holidays. It should be fun…end of season parties and school plays and class parties and teachers gifts and celebrations, but it’s all piled into three weeks that tend to also be busy weeks at work.  Add to that the trials of life in general…hormonal sass from my daughter, helping my son achieve nearly unachievable goals as he struggles to overcome dyslexia, and the horror and sadness of my stepfather facing into cancer yet again while my Mom tries desperately to help him overcome it…it’s not a surprise that I was moving so fast that I slowed up on the writing. I slowed up enough that the particular activity didn’t stay in motion enough to propel it forward. And, I thought, I’ll just lay my head down here and rest a bit.  Before I knew it, two months had passed.

Don’t get me wrong…it hasn’t been too much…this life of mine.  As I strongly believe and have based this entire blog on…it’s normal.  These are the things everyone faces in one way or another, and sometimes you have to slow up on one thing to manage another.  So, I slowed up on writing. For just a bit. Until today.  Today…as I sit here with a physical reminder of why it’s important to stay in motion.  That particular reminder would be a searing pain in my back…my old lady back that managed to rear its ugly head….or, in this case, its ugly herniated disc…just because I stopped.

You see, after the crazy month of May and all its school-year-ending activities, we took a family vacation to the beach. I managed a business trip the week before as the kids finished school, my husband packed us and I had less than 24 hours to get the rest of the plans together before hitting the car to drive to visit my Mom and her ailing husband and then, two days later, unload on the beach. We got there and I looked out on the ocean and thought, “I’m not moving from this spot for 6 days.”  Ironically, I really didn’t.  The first day was normal…active, but normal.  I went for a run and then walked the beach with my kids, boogie boarded in the waves with my daughter, swam with my son, built a boat out of cardboard, duct tape and Saran wrap with my family as part of a poolside activity at the resort and walked back to our condo to crash for the night.  Sounds like a lot, but this is my week to let loose and play with my kids. This is what we do at the beach each year, and I love it.  So, the next morning, as my husband and daughter set off for a bike ride, my son and I walked on the beach and then played Bocce.  Next, he wanted to build a sand castle.  That’s when it happened.  I stopped the motion.  I sat down on the sand while he brought me buckets of wet sand and water and I just leaned over and molded his creation.  He did all the work.  I just enjoyed the sun and sat mostly still.  And, when we were done, I went to get up and I was stuck.  Literally stuck.  Like an old lady in a medical alert commercial, I could not get up.  My body wouldn’t move and when it swayed even a centimeter, the pain was overwhelming. The sun was beating down, my son had no idea why I wasn’t moving on to the next thing and my husband and daughter were off on a two-hour biking trek, leaving me to figure this out on my own.

I’ll be honest, I’m not sure how I actually got up. I know it hurt…I remember the wave of nausea that accompanied the pain once I was on my feet, but I don’t remember actually standing. And, my sweet son just put his tiny arm around me as we made our way up to our chairs.  We rested there and then we made it to the pool where I could get some shade and let him play while I caught my breath and figured out how to get a call into my doctor to get pain killers sent directly to me at that pool.  Ok…it took a bit more work than that, but we found our way.   Funny thing…it didn’t ruin our vacation. I mean…if you have to be laid up, a beautiful place with an ocean view is the place to do it.  Yet, one friend said it all when, upon hearing the story, she said to me, “Only you could injure yourself while relaxing.”

I disagree…it wasn’t me. It was inertia. I stopped.  I don’t think I should have.  Or maybe the lesson is maybe I should stop more often so my mind and body know how to react to it.  Honestly, I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll take another Percoset and ponder it.  I do know this though…don’t mess with the laws of science.  I don’t care who you think you are…they win…every…last…time.  So, I sit here just waiting…waiting until I can get into motion again. And, then, who knows…I may never stop again….because…if you haven’t noticed, the juices are flowing and my normal life continues to march on which means there’s always a story to tell, my friends, always!

Just look at what I said earlier…I’m not a true runner.  We’re all actually able to run soon after walking. Some of us just do it more than others.  So, really, we’re all true runners. We just need to put it to use. I was thinking about that the other day as I came up on 2.5 miles of running. I have a herniated disc that has kept me from doing more than light weights, yoga and brisk walking for years. But why? When I pushed myself just a bit…first to step up my fitness program as I get older, then to meet this challenge my daughter set for us, I’ve been able to do it.

Yet, I’m still telling myself I won’t be able to run 6 whole miles in just 2 weeks.  I need to stop that…seriously.  Just one month ago, I didn’t think I could run more than 3 miles, which I did just last week after a little hard work and a little practice. Ok…a lot of practice and a lot of touchy, feel-y “self-talk.”  At least the self-talk has evolved.  A year ago, while running short 3 minute intervals, my self-talk consisted solely of “You’re not going to die. You can do this. You’re not going to die. You can do this,” said over and over in my head to drown out the huffing and puffing of my gasping breaths. Today, as I run, I’m more likely to think about the reasons why I’m running. And, only toward the end do I have to lightly remind myself, “You can do this.”  I haven’t thought of dying during running in months…throwing up, maybe, but not dying!

As I ran yesterday, I kept focusing on the reasons.  Like I said, it started as a move to be more healthy. Then, it became something I could do with my daughter. She’s nearly 13. It’s getting harder and harder to find things we can do together that don’t horrify and embarrass her. This seems to be a safe one. So, I start focusing on that…this is good for us. We’re setting good examples for each other. From there, it grows…I’m so proud of her. She’s such a hard worker and she wanted to do this. She drove the idea. Even better, she insisted we do it to raise funds for the Myotonic Dystrophy association, in honor of our baby cousin born with this terrible illness. That makes my mind wander to Baby Kate and her fight. “That’s really why I’m doing this,” I think. “For her!” I mean she doesn’t get to slow down or stop her fight when things get hard. She, at younger than 2, pushes through. And, even though she wasn’t supposed to ever walk, she pushed through enough to walk with a walker and…this week even…take steps independently. It’s incredible.

Still, my mind doesn’t settle there. I run along and realize it’s the sum of the whole. It’s all those things. It’s the big picture. It’s about pushing yourself, doing more…for many reasons…and living life. I told a friend the other day that I never say never. We were talking about the very important topic of Botox. Well…really, we were talking about getting older…a common theme with me that you may have noticed. (Don’t worry if you are getting annoyed with hearing it from me…you are not alone..I’m getting tired of the topic as well…it’s actually the only thing really getting old around here!)  Anyway, while talking with my friend. I got laughing about sitting across from a woman in a meeting the other day. She clearly Botoxes and had either just recently done it or had a Botox treatment gone bad because she was a living, breathing stereotype of every Botox joke you’ve ever heard. She was sitting there, listening to the speaker kind of drone on…no need for any facial expression, yet her face gave the appearance of someone who was startled, surprised. Her eyebrows were permanently arched up, her eyes wide. It was incredible to look at.

I sat there, not listening to the speaker drone on, but, instead, coming up with my story about her. She must think she looks great, but can’t she see what happened there? Does she realize that her need for perfection just made her look odd and a little sad? When I was recounting this to my friend on the phone, she said, “I’ve done it. I got so over being old and getting more wrinkles that I did it…Botox.  But, I panicked afterward. My one eyebrow kept rising and I couldn’t stop it. It scared me to death. My husband didn’t even notice, but I did.”  We laughed hysterically. I went on and on about how I’d seen it done well so many times, but maybe that’s what happened to this woman I was with earlier in the week. And I realized that I hadn’t really considered the big picture. I made up my story about how she was so into herself that she went overboard on the Botox. Yet, she, like me, was probably just trying to find a way to make herself feel good. She, like my friend, may have just given it a try for the hell of it and had it go a little wrong. And, most likely, she was sitting there not truly listening to the speaker drone on but wondering if anyone noticed that her eyebrows had gone insanely out of whack.

Let’s face it, that’s why I said “never say never”…because, even after that experience, I may Botox some day. I’d certainly consider non-poisonous wrinkle fillers if I had the disposable income to take it on. And, then, will people have stories about me?  I’m sure they will. And, I’m betting, like me, they wouldn’t consider the big picture…they’d be short-sighted and judgemental…just like I’m prone to be.

So, all that ran through my head as my feet pounded along on yesterday’s run trying not to notice the searing pain of a cramp in my shoulder, the lunch from 3 hours before that felt like a brick in my stomach or the gasping breaths I was taking. And then, of course, in the midst of the pain, my mind jumped to work. What big picture thoughts am I missing there?  It hit me that I like what I do but I often spend time focused on the day-to-day stories, the frustrations of daily work life, the people/personality issues, the challenges. I began wondering what makes some people at work push through more than others on those fronts, and I realized it’s that they focus on the big picture. They don’t let the small challenges or the minutes or hours get them down, they think about the ultimate goal, the real long-term benefits. For me, that’s showing my kids an example of a woman who can hold a big job and still be a caring, loving Mom who participates in their schools, their activities, their lives.  It’s showing them that work is necessary to have the things we need and a little bit extra. And, it gets me thinking about how inspiring they are each and every day as they face into life’s challenges…and they have them at nearly 8 and 13…it’s all relative…our grown up challenges exist in their world as well…just on a different level.

Before I know it, I’m right back to where I started…why I’m running.  To face into a challenge. To help my kids learn to do the same. Because they want me to. Because Baby Kate will get something out of it. And, because all these things put together make it good. The big picture is a pretty one. And, just as I think that, my iPod app calls into my earphones that I’ve reached the end of my run. It’s amazing what will get you through, huh? I’m looking forward to where today’s run takes me!

Turning 40 has been interesting, that’s for sure.  They warn you. They tell you. They all try to lead you to the water gently, but you’re sure…you’re positive that you aren’t the one…that you’ll beat it…middle age spread won’t overtake you. Yet, halfway through your 40th year, you notice things shifting.  So, if you’re me, you step up the weight training a bit, cut back on the enriched breads and snacks and expect the bulge to settle down, the scale to lower.  Friggin’ 40 has another idea though…it just speaks in silent whispers to your body…encourages your belly to pooch a bit more and adds a layer to your thighs…the thighs that were once your pride and joy…making them jiggle and not quite fit into your jeans like they once did.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m fit.  I’ve exercised and eaten right my whole life.  I have really good habits. Yet, they are not serving me like they should.  Probably because they aren’t great habits, and to maintain what I was in my 30s, they have to be great, unwavering habits. To be honest, I waver. I like my glass of wine in the evening. I love my occasional donut and …seriously…what’s life without an order of fries every few weeks? So, my whole life, my overall good habits and my active lifestyle has cut it. Until now, I’ve been on the thin side and been able to rein it in when things started to “bubble over” a bit.

It hasn’t been so hard all these years. It’s about being active. It started with competitive tennis when I was young, and constant swimming…from growing up in Florida with a pool in the backyard…. Then, I moved to cheerleading (basically hours of aerobics at a time field or court side) and on to crew.  That’s what killed my desire to run.  One would think crew is about rowing, but it’s about stamina. So, we had to train, and training for stamina meant running. We used to run three miles a day, six days a week. I was the slowest runner.  They would drive alongside us..yes…drive…those lazy high school coaches…and yell and call me out for being the slowest. It was Florida. It was hot. I sucked at it.  It did not make me love running.  After my time on the crew team, I left running behind forever.  I turned, instead, to Aerobics and circuit training …it was the 80s; that’s what we did back then…Jane Fonda and all.  I had some great outfits…my favorite was an electric green body suit w/royal blue high cut bikini bottoms that I wore over the bodysuit and finished off with scrunchy socks and white high top Reeboks. It was a sight to see…and thinking back…not a good sight…but I digress. I bopped and sweat it out in classes between home and college and, in the meantime, I walked…and walked…and walked every chance I got. Then, I discovered mail order workout videos.  I was hooked.

Whether I heard about it on TV, at a gym or in a magazine, I had to have the latest video, gadget or weight loss device.  I’ve bought and seriously bought into (emotionally, mentally, whatever) Calinetics, rubber band workouts, Tae-Bo, Yoga videos, Roller Blade and Walking workouts..you name it.  I may have even considered a Richard Simmons workout program at one point but I don’t think I ever went that far…I mean a woman does have her limits. Seriously, I can’t promise though…someone out there may have evidence of me and Richard Simmons that I can’t deny.

I would be embarrassed by this if I hadn’t encountered a funny situation with someone I respect the other day.  A woman I know who is completely together, beyond successful by almost any standards and one of the most even, seemingly well-adjusted women in her 50s that I’ve experienced in some time, let on that she has a bit of the same “As Seen on TV” habit that I do.  Hers is not so much related to fitness although, from her account, it does lean in that way fairly often when she makes her purchases. It all started with a conversation among a group of people about the P90X “Muscle Confusion” DVD set.  Anyone who has seen the ad must have been somewhat swayed….I’ve been close to picking up the phone several times to buy it. Several people in the group I was talking with had bought it and were discussing it and she…the well adjusted woman…said “I have that.”  She’s not a particularly fit woman, so we all asked her about buying it.  She began to explain. “I have insomnia,” she said.  “I don’t know what to do with myself during that time of night. So, pretty much anything they sell between 2 and 4 a.m., I own.  I have a whole space in my basement dedicated to it. I’ve got the Ab Roller, P90X, the Crunch Machine.  QVC sent me a hand written thank you note once and reminded me when my favorite jeweler would be on next. That’s when I knew I was in trouble.”

I wanted to stop and dissect that a bit.  There’s something going on there. Someone who seems so even and together on the surface but can’t sleep…every night…for years…and soothes it by buying a bunch of stuff she never uses. That’s got to be something.  Could that be her Friggin’ 50 response?  Maybe.  But, what I really wanted to know was whether or not she has the Zumba video by those eccentric Latin American women who help you dance off the pounds and make you lose inches around your middle to uncover six-pack abs in mere weeks. She did!  “And, what about the Wen hair system?” I begged. “Have you tried it?  I just know that stuff will work.”  She had it and liked it.  This was a gold mine!

And, so I had a choice…I could dig into her neuroses and worry about my friend or I could live vicariously without spending too much or becoming the “As Seen on TV” hoarder assuaging her Friggin’ 40 insecurities.  I chose the living vicariously.  And, then, I decided to start running the next day…I mean there had to be a lesson in all of this, right?

Walking is just not going to cut it anymore. And, trying to maintain the old way…that’s out too.  Two weeks in and my knees hurt, my ankles are acting a little hinky and my middle has STILL not whittled away. But, I’m sleeping at night and I’ve continued to slowly back away from the questionable fitness purchases. You know…now that I think about it…they told me I’d get more reasonable when I turned 40 even if the bulge got harder to budge.  Who knows…maybe this is the way one normal woman embraces the new her…pounding the pavement and stopping the maddness…and…yes…I do know that was a phrase coined by the great Susan Powter…tv pitchwoman extraordinaire.  Because, no one should ever forget her roots even if she is running from them with all her might.